Decades of Depression Don’t End Easy

The happiest thing about my day so far is the small bits of alliteration in that title. Probably not true though. I have kids. Even when they are completely overwhelming, there is something happy about having them around. I really hate to get on here and complain, so I’ll try not to. It hasn’t been easy. I really don’t feel like I know what to do. Things seemed to be going good and getting better for a while there, then everything seemed to be a roller coaster of ups and downs, and then everything seemed to mellow out. No real highs, but no terrible lows either. But now I feel like I have done a fabulous job at overcoming any progress I’ve made. I feel like the drugs don’t have an effect. Or maybe its just that I’ve stopped practicing the techniques that I learned. I’ve been telling myself that I was going to start studying those again for a few months now, but …well that hasn’t happened.

I wish I could give whoever is reading this hope, that you just make a few small changes, and then BAMMM everything is good and happy. In reality I haven’t figured it out. I feel weak, unproductive, almost useless. Not actually like I have no use, but more like that one weird tool you have in your tool box that you rarely have a use for. Unique, special, interesting, maybe even durable and high-quality, and comfortable to use, but so far from the norm that you just don’t need it much. That’s kinda how I feel.

I beat myself up way too much. That needs to change. I’m always down on myself for the past, for choices I made, or didn’t make, for being indecisive, for lost opportunities. Things I wish I could be but that I am not. Feeling like that isn’t helpful. I have to just keep telling myself that the me that made those mistakes isn’t who I am anymore.

One thing I have learned from my past and that I try to teach to as many young people as I can, is to figure out early in life what you want to do so you can prepare yourself early and make sure you get there, and without wasting tons of time either. Not knowing what you want to do can be a huge waste of time.

Anyway…rambling. There are many things I AM grateful for, especially the beauties of nature, and the phenomenons of physics and math and science. There are so many cool little intricacies to this world. I wish I could spend my lifetime exploring them (and get paid for it).

What do you love to do? What do you love about life? Post a comment below because you very well might be the first person to comment on this blog.


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