To some extent I feel bad for not having published anything. But then again, as someone who suffers from depression…I feel bad anyway, so not sure if that makes a difference.
I had two great weeks in April, and really haven’t felt the same since. I haven’t really been tracking my mood anymore. The topic just isn’t interesting to me. In the beginning I was learning all these new things about it, and getting lots of good insights as to what was happening. I was learning more about me and why I am the way I am. But the thing about studying depression, especially in an introspective manner is that ITS DEPRESSING. So I’m not really too fond of it. I remember thinking and feeling and even posting on here during my high period how great it is and to not lose hope because although the road is long and rough, it gets better. Now I feel like I’m eating my own words. I wonder if it’s true. Can it change? Will it ever change?
I’ve started to get to the point where I feel like rather than try to change who I am, and rather than try to get rid of the depression, to just accept it. It has taken up so much of my time and energy and thoughts trying to deal with exterminating it, and other than a few peaks, I don’t feel like anything is a whole lot different. I’m not trying to sound pessimistic, but I have been depressed so maybe it is that way to me. Anyway, to the contrary I’m thinking, perhaps life is better if I just accept it. Perhaps I would be more free because rather than fighting it and wasting time, money (for prescriptions), energy, and thoughts, I can just enjoy what I enjoy and forget about the fact that I tend to be more pessimistic or depressed than other people. I have a lot of good things going for me, so why should I waste my life worrying about not being in a good mood constantly.
I’ve always wanted to get out of the state I was in. It’s hard to act on something like that (ok, it’s hard to act on anything) when you’re depressed. For a while, I always just accepted it as normal. I didn’t like it, but it’s all I really knew. Then I got to a point leading into the start of my last semester of school where I got so depressed that I couldn’t really function. I think I needed the help and the extra focus on escaping depression so I could finish my last semester of school. There wasn’t a day of that semester that I wouldn’t have rather dropped out if a better opportunity came my way. Even in the last days of the semester, finishing the last exams and projects, I still dreaded it so much I would have preferred dropping out.
But that’s done now. I’m out of school (hopefully forever). I don’t have to worry about that anymore, so I wonder: Is it worth it to keep fighting it? If I am able to function normally, should I still be fighting it? I don’t have a lot of hope for overcoming it any more, but I do have hope that life can be good anyway. And it’s not like fighting it doesn’t come with any negative consequences. I’d rather not be putting perscription drugs into my body every day if I don’t need to. And they have side effects. I’m supposed to be happier and feel better, and have less anxiety too. The side effect of the anti-anxiety drug is increased irritability. Maybe that’d be ok if I realized it was just the drug effecting me, but I often don’t realize that it was the drug, not the situation that was causing me to be more irritable until AFTER it’s gotten me into trouble.
I hope I haven’t discouraged anyone who happens to read this from getting help or continuing the fight if they have gotten help. But I do think with all things in life, it’s important to weigh the costs against the benefits. Maybe I can be happier by living with the depression and enjoying it too. If that makes any sense. I hope it does. Oh good, more hope. I think this writing what I’m thinking thing is better than the drug. Feel free to contact me if you want to write something; maybe I could put up some guest posts and give some other points of view.
Another thought: Almost forgot to mention the possibility that being done with school may relieve enough pressure that the prescriptions and other relief techniques might start working. Who knows. I guess I will at somewhere down the road.