Pray to God, He hears you. And I pray to God, He hears you.

Just found this and wanted to add it. Never give up!

Days 22, 23 & 24

I had two good days followed by a difficult day. I haven’t been good at taking the med at the same time every day, so I wonder if that is causing up and downs. My wife was also at work on the 24th day. It seems like it’s always really difficult without her. Today the 25th day has been daunting as well, and she is at work. I don’t know why but I feel so much less hope on the days she works. Otherwise things seem to be going well. I was really depressed about going back to school, but I feel ok about that now (other than the typical stress I’ve always felt all semester, every semester of school). 

1 Month! And 3 days

I’m not sure about this med. I haven’t had any terrible physical side effects, but I wonder what it’s doing to my mind. My mind and feelings have definitely changed, but it’s hard to tell where to attribute the changes, and even then, they haven’t all been good. I feel like I’ve been in an even worse state of depression ever since I started tracking it and getting help and taking meds. I can’t seem to find the right analogy. It was like I was treading water barely staying afloat, and making no progress, but now I’ve got a current somewhat pushing me, and somewhat pulling me under. 

For example, I get overwhelmed by the smallest things lately. I have a hard time doing things like making lunch, and especially trying to get homework done. Yet at the same time my attitude is different. I used to get hung up on little details. I would take forever to get things done, because everything had to be perfect. I care less now, and I’m able to get past the little unimportant things. But then many times in so overwhelmed I never get started to begin with. 

I also noticed that I seem to think more realistically, I used to have a lot of grand and glorious dreams of how things would play out, especially in my career, but now I realize those were just dreams. The good thing is that it may help me to be successful because my expectations will be more accurate, so it will be easier to gauge the required efforts. 

What d’ya do? The gap between recording something and posting it seems to be lengthening. I’ve been trying to close it by posting longer periods, but I don’t want one post to jump across an entire month either. Anyway, relating to the taking meds at about the same time each day, I am not successfully doing that (mostly.) I think it is helping a little bit, but I feel like I’ve become sensitive to everything. I’m feeling like anything that fluctuates off of a set routine is throwing my mood and balance and everything off. It seems like if I do not eat at the right time, and sleep at the right time, and get up at the right time/get the right amount of sleep, then I don’t feel good. I don’t EVER remember fluctuations in my schedule causing such a problem before, unless I slept way too long or too little, or went too long before eating breakfast. Unlike many of the problems I face in trying to overcome depression, at least with this problem I have an idea of what I need to do. Pinning the med to a schedule seemed to help, so hopefully I can figure out and maintain a good routine with everything else. It’d probably help me to be healthier anyway.

In relation to the dreaming vs realism, it is interesting to me that this post came up, because I was just thinking about that today and remembering that I had written something, but didn’t know when. Apparently that was at the 1 month mark. I’ve been searching for a place to start my career (I graduate from school soon), or just trying to configure a plan for my career. On the days I have hope, and I am happy, I seem to have dreams. I don’t know whether I lost hope and that crushed my dreams, or if I lost my dreams, and that crushed my hope. Either way, whenever I get back down, all hope and dreams seem to be gone. I’m not sure that what I posted about realistic expectations being better has been accurate. I guess it feels much better to have unrealistic dreams that pull you along, than to realize what is practical, and have no excitement in trying to obtain it. I’ve been calling the dreamless state the more realistic one, but I’m not sure anymore, is it?

I know now that happiness is out there and obtainable. I know how great it feels, but I haven’t been feeling very good lately. Don’t know what to do about it, but it sure makes it difficult to give advice on overcoming depression. When all else fails (or hopefully before all else fails) pray. That is the only part of my life I have been able to consistently rely on. Not everybody believes in prayer, or sometimes just not in their own ability to pray and be heard, but Pray on! God hears you.

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