It has come to my attention that I don’t have much initiative. I always knew I was a procrastinator, but in the end, things got done. I wasn’t really worried about it. It turns out if you’re a procrastinator, you also don’t have much initiative (or is that just me?). The problems and stress that both of these cause results in me feeling depressed. And yet, feeling depressed makes me not want to do anything. I also over think everything, which also causes me to be depressed because I can’t make a decision, which makes it worse because of the opportunities I miss by not being quick to act.
So is depression the chicken or the egg? Either way, I know that when I am happy I get more done, and when I am able to get things done, I am more happy. It is probably easier to force yourself to get something done than it is to force yourself to be happy. So if you want to get out of depression, I suggest that you do as many of the things you don’t feel up to as you can, and don’t beat yourself up for that which you can’t.
I don’t know how many weeks it has been since I last posted. I’m going to share the rest of what I recorded from week one since it has been so long:
Day 3 started off pretty good and everything went smooth taking care of the boys until baby was screaming and messy and his brother’s bath was getting way too full. Then I got overwhelmed and got in a bad mood that lasted most of the day. I was enjoying myself as long as we were doing something or I was talking with someone, but as soon as the conversation or activity was over, then I was down again. My energy level was pretty low all day. Today was far better than yesterday though, maybe partly because I got a full night of uninterrupted sleep and because i got breakfast before having to take care of the kids. Negative thoughts left pretty quickly but still left me feeling down, but at about my normal low level, not the horrible low of yesterday. The evening ended well, watching a movie while holding both of the boys. My wife got home and I enjoyed some time with her, but then she went to bed and I felt overwhelmed and guilty over the extremely messy house. I decided to spend the rest of the night before bed cleaning it. I felt like I had no energy at all, and wanted to quit at many points, but somehow I was carried through till I quit at midnight. I’m sure the Lord helped me. I felt quite overwhelmed the whole time, but had little pick-me-ups that gave me just enough boost each time I felt I couldn’t go any further. I think part of what has made the last few days hard is that I’ve probably been over thinking about the depression. I do not know where it is coming from, but I’ve also had extra initiative to get things done the last two days, and more doing things just because I felt like it too.
Day 4 I felt better than the previous 3 days, probably at about the same level I would have been on a typical down day before the meds.
Day 5 was good. I didn’t have a lot of negative thoughts. I didn’t have much motivation to do anything though. I still felt a little overwhelmed and low energy, but today was definitely the best of the five days so far.
Day 6 I read yesterday about different people and their experiences with the medication. One guy said it turns you into a zombie, with little explanation. Lately I have been content to just stare at the computer and whatever I’m doing on it. That’s what I typically do with my time to begin with, but I don’t think I was content with it. I have been designing a house in sketchup, and I enjoy it, but today after my wife was gone all day and got home and asked me to sit by her, all I wanted to do was keep designing. I worry that I am becoming content to do nothing. Maybe I just wanted some me-time though since I spent the entire day entertaining and trying to take care of the two boys. I still feel down, I know the drug is supposed to take a few weeks to start having an effect but I’ve gone longer without feeling good since I’ve been on it than I ever went without feeling good before. I had long periods of feeling down before, but never with so little energy and with so few peaks. This has been one long valley. I kind of worry that I’m just not letting myself feel good, but I don’t know why that would be. Whatever it is, I hope it doesn’t continue.
Day 7 I don’t do the things I enjoy because I feel like I have to take care of all my obligations first. I don’t enjoy hobbies or activities if I know there are other things I’m supposed to do either.
So all that being said, it was nice (for me) to re-read day 3, that gave me some more hope because it reminded me of the little changes and the bits of determination that have been building up and making me feel better. I also thought that it was an interesting coincidence that today I just happened to decide to add to my blog on overcoming depression, and today one of WordPress’ blog prompts was
Daily Prompt: Singing the Blues
by Krista on March 28, 2014
We all feel down from time to time. How do you combat the blues? What’s one tip you can share with others that always helps to lift your spirits?
Just to answer the question: I make my bed. It is one thing that makes a difference every time I walk in my room. If it is made, the room looks clean, and I feel happy. If it is not, it reminds me of the plethora of things I need to get done, and I feel down or overwhelmed or depressed. I don’t always do it, and it won’t pull me out of depression to just make the bed, but it is certainly a component of how I feel the rest of the day. And it really doesn’t take that long.