Tough Start

I found it soothing to write out what I was feeling. I didn’t worry about how much I wrote. I was trying to not worry about anything. The first day, this meant I wrote almost nothing. From then on, it feels like I wrote a ton. I have been typing everything on my phone though, so it’s hard to tell how much text it actually is. After several days I wasn’t so good at writing every day, so my posts won’t be a perfect chronology.

Day 1 unfulfilled, down most of the day. Nothing felt like it would give me satisfaction. Didn’t particularly enjoy anything other than playing with the music glasses and playing with the family and photography.

Day 2 somehow got a lot done while simultaneously dealing with a headache and feeling really tired. I don’t remember how the day started but today was one of my worst days as far as depression. My mind was flooded with seemingly every negative thought and feeling I’ve ever had in the past. One thought would get me down and then be followed by another thought and another that would get me down. It was pretty terrible and tough to deal with. I knew I didn’t want to spend the day trying to take care of two kids alone so I arranged to spend the day with my parents. That didn’t change my condition, but they were a huge help with the kids, and having other adults around to talk to was helpful. The one Tylenol I took didn’t help at all, but I usually take two. At the grocery store I felt even more awful and a little nauseous. Today made me worry how I’d get through the rest of life’s challenges though it never made me doubt whether I could get through them. I don’t know if the headache, nausea, and feeling tired/worn out was related to the baby waking me up a lot last night and not getting sleep, or maybe from actually being sick, or if it was all from the drugs?

I’ve forgotten until re-reading and posting this how bad it started out. The first week or so started before I began taking classes on overcoming depression. I always dreaded the awkward group based “Hi I’m Ted, and I have depression.” In reality, I think the class is doing more for me than the drug. If you have access to such a class, I highly suggest you take advantage of it. It can be awkward, but hopefully if your class is like mine, it’s 95% learning about the causes and and strategies to avoid and overcome things that trigger depression, and maybe 5% about you personally.

What has worked for you? Leave a comment, let me (and others) know.

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