Tough Start

I found it soothing to write out what I was feeling. I didn’t worry about how much I wrote. I was trying to not worry about anything. The first day, this meant I wrote almost nothing. From then on, it feels like I wrote a ton. I have been typing everything on my phone though, so it’s hard to tell how much text it actually is. After several days I wasn’t so good at writing every day, so my posts won’t be a perfect chronology.

Day 1 unfulfilled, down most of the day. Nothing felt like it would give me satisfaction. Didn’t particularly enjoy anything other than playing with the music glasses and playing with the family and photography.

Day 2 somehow got a lot done while simultaneously dealing with a headache and feeling really tired. I don’t remember how the day started but today was one of my worst days as far as depression. My mind was flooded with seemingly every negative thought and feeling I’ve ever had in the past. One thought would get me down and then be followed by another thought and another that would get me down. It was pretty terrible and tough to deal with. I knew I didn’t want to spend the day trying to take care of two kids alone so I arranged to spend the day with my parents. That didn’t change my condition, but they were a huge help with the kids, and having other adults around to talk to was helpful. The one Tylenol I took didn’t help at all, but I usually take two. At the grocery store I felt even more awful and a little nauseous. Today made me worry how I’d get through the rest of life’s challenges though it never made me doubt whether I could get through them. I don’t know if the headache, nausea, and feeling tired/worn out was related to the baby waking me up a lot last night and not getting sleep, or maybe from actually being sick, or if it was all from the drugs?

I’ve forgotten until re-reading and posting this how bad it started out. The first week or so started before I began taking classes on overcoming depression. I always dreaded the awkward group based “Hi I’m Ted, and I have depression.” In reality, I think the class is doing more for me than the drug. If you have access to such a class, I highly suggest you take advantage of it. It can be awkward, but hopefully if your class is like mine, it’s 95% learning about the causes and and strategies to avoid and overcome things that trigger depression, and maybe 5% about you personally.

What has worked for you? Leave a comment, let me (and others) know.


Putting words to this odyssey

It is difficult with depression to truly explain how you are feeling. A lot of it doesn’t seem to make any sense. When I contacted my doctor for the first time to try to get over this, I thought it would be a good idea to keep a journal of how I was feeling in order to track any changes. My doctor put me on zoloft and connected me with a therapist, who then suggested I start attending a class on overcoming depression. I wish I had kept the journal before I started getting treatment so I would have something to compare to, but I didn’t.

I also started looking for more resources online, and tried to read up and understand depression better. I found a lot of explanations of what depression was, and what different types there were, but I couldn’t find anything to really tell me what to expect while overcoming it. I couldn’t find very many personal experiences with it that I could attempt to relate to. It really bothered me (and still does) that I don’t know what I am supposed to expect as a result of taking zoloft. I asked my therapist, but I didn’t find any understanding in her explanation.

Since I had already been keeping a log of my attempt to overcome depression, and I couldn’t find enough information on what to expect or what other people were experiencing, I decided to start this blog in hopes of helping whoever is able to benefit from relating to my experiences. Your experience (with zoloft, depression, therapy etc.) will probably be different, but at least you know what somebody else going through this is experiencing.

For today though, I want to share a link to an article I just found. I connected to this article and the comments on it because it puts words to some things I’ve been having trouble expressing. It seems like others are having some of the same frustrations I have in trying to find the words to accompany their experiences with depression. Hopefully I can find the words I need, since that is the whole point of this blog.